You can succeed in life with a good dosage of confidence, but where does it originate from? We’ve all encountered those people who appear to be confident and unafraid, capable of handling any circumstance with ease.Join the group if you’re curious about where they acquired that ability. It turns out that our confidence throughout the rest of our lives is greatly influenced by the way we are raised. As a mother of two and a woman who acknowledges that she struggles with confidence, I felt it would be best to ask a professional my problems. Continue reading for the complete scoop on a mental health expert’s advice on raising self-assured children.
Meet the Expert
The author of For What It’s Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting is Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, a licensed clinical psychologist. With more than 20 years of therapeutic experience, she is a highly sought-after therapist and media expert who offers families from a wide range of socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds practical, approachable advice.
So, How Exactly Do You Raise Confident Kids?
Dr. Cook states that “it’s also important to show unabiding trust in their capacity to handle challenges.” “Raising confident kids involves fostering a belief in their abilities and security in their identity,” she adds. Put another way, allowing your child to make errors and get back on track is one of the finest ways to demonstrate your complete faith in them, which is a terrific way to raise a self-assured child.
I realize it’s easier said than done. Because I’m a chronic worrier, I was a little scared about my tween’s recent performance at a talent event. I pictured almost every scenario that might go horribly wrong with her dance routine, leaving her permanently scarred. It turns out that if you want to raise a self-assured child, this isn’t a very healthy way of thinking. Instead, you should “let them fail safely and model for them how to bounce back,” advises Dr. Cook.or simply work things out together if you’re still working that out. (Noted.)
When it comes to raising self-assured children, there are other important considerations. For instance, the expert advises me that parents should emphasize effort rather than merely outcomes. According to Dr. Cook, “children must understand that they are respected for who they are, not just what they do.” Even if they completely botch their talent show routine, they will still be the cheerleader because, at least they had the guts to attempt, which makes them a pretty awesome child.
Lastly, Dr. Cook informs me that “letting kids make age-appropriate decisions helps them build trust in themselves,” which is why it’s critical to allow ample space for independence and free will (within reason, of course). This also applies to helping your children develop realistic goals for themselves. “It’s about breaking things down into manageable and growth-oriented phases, not about decreasing expectations. Children learn from these little victories that “if I take it one step at a time, I can do hard things.” After that, they become resilient and begin to believe in their own skills,” Dr. Cook says.
How to Model Confidence for Kids
If you’re like me, you may also need some guidance on how to boost your confidence. According to Dr. Cook, it’s crucial for children to see their parents exhibit confidence. This includes refraining from publicly criticizing oneself (e.g., “I’m such a bad cook—I messed up dinner again!”) and instead utilizing constructive self-talk when navigating challenging new circumstances and demonstrating grace when you make mistakes (e.g., “Oh, this is tough, but I’ll figure it out!” or “Oops, I made a mistake—but no big deal, I’ll just try again!”). Are you having a rough day and finding it difficult to remain positive despite a poor circumstance? At the very least, keep it under control. Your nasty self-talk is the last thing your child should hear.
You can also set an example of confidence for your kids by just taking risks. Why can’t I bring my (nonexistent) artistic genius to a painting lesson and perhaps pick up a new skill if my daughter can hula-hoop for the first time in front of a crowd and smile?
Setting appropriate limits is Dr. Cook’s final piece of advise regarding modeling confidence. It initially seemed like a slightly related topic, but it makes perfect sense when you think about it. Setting boundaries consistently seems to be a skill that some of us take a lifetime to learn, so I know I’m not the only one who issues with it. However, it takes confidence to set boundaries, and your kids will notice when you start doing it on a regular basis. “Kids pick up a lot from seeing you say no or defend yourself while remaining polite and approachable. It teaches children that appreciating others does not entail disregarding oneself and that it is acceptable to have needs and boundaries.
How to Model Body Positivity for Kids
It should come as no surprise that the expert advises me that the greatest approach to set an example of body positivity for children is to not be critical of your own appearance in front of them. This also applies to remarks that are neutral about your child’s body or disparaging about the bodies of others. Simply stated, you must first stop obsessing over your own body in order to set an example of body positivity for children. In Dr. Cook’s words,Emphasize generosity, hard work, and inventiveness, and make it a habit to provide praise for attributes other than looks. The expert advises using inclusive language that “emphasizes things like strength, flexibility, and energy…and celebrates what bodies can do” when discussing bodies, such as “Wow, our legs help us skate so fast.”
Summary: 5 Tips for Raising Confident Kids
1. Praise Effort, Not Just Results
Instead of just saying, “Good job!” when your child does something, make it a point to acknowledge how they got there. Even while not every endeavor will be successful, the adage “A for effort” is not to be laughed at. Actually, it’s a very effective method of giving your child self-confidence and keeping them focused on their goals.
2. Let Them Make Choices
A guaranteed way to undermine your child’s developing confidence is to hover over them anxiously and intentionally prevent them from making decisions that are suitable for their age (yes, we see you, helicopter parents). It’s acceptable to start small if implementing a new parenting style is difficult for you at first, such as “letting them pick their own clothes and snacks, and letting them decide how to spend their free time,” advises Dr. Cook. In the end, this lets your child know that their opinions count and gives them the sense of independence they need to trust their own judgment with confidence.
3. Encourage Trying New Things
According to Dr. Cook, “confidence is about doing things despite fear, not about being fearless.” You, as the parent, should “gently support them when they do something outside their comfort zone,” according to this. Trying a new food or trying out for the soccer team are examples of both major and minor things. And once more, honor the work rather than just the result.
4. Model Confident Behavior
Although we’ve already covered it, it’s worth restating: lead by example. “Kids learn a lot by watching,” the expert said. They will emulate your self-confidence if you talk well of yourself, take risks, and learn from your failures.
5. Show Unconditional Love
We all love our children without conditions, but occasionally this is lost in translation—that is, when we become preoccupied with things that aren’t that important. The expert highlights that “confidence grows when kids feel seen, supported, and loved no matter what” because of this. The simplest way to accomplish this is to take advantage of any chance to express your pride in them, not only in their accomplishments.
